Why Are They So Believable?

We know the truth behind the mask. The lies, the deceit. But the outside world. Those who don't know him think he is so kind. So wonderful, honest, trustworthy, a true gentleman. And who can blame them? We fell for that exact same mask in the beginning. I don't know if anyone else had the same situation as I, where his ex-wife contacted me and tried to warn me off. But he had already told me all about his ex before and how crazy she was, how horrible she was; he had already prepared me for this phone call. So when she did call, I thought, 'Oh well, he knew that would happen, so he must be telling the truth.' She did sound crazy. Little did I know, I would be the one accused of being crazy 8 years later. I found that there were many scenarios of preparation, disguised as 'looking out for me', 'trying to show me who my real friends are', 'trying to show me which of my family members actually think I am important'. I fell into the trap of thinking he was right about everything. He was clever, and I hate to compliment him in that way, but they are, these people are extremely clever at what they do. How they wear you down so that you have such low confidence, such low self-esteem that you believe him when he says, 'Your family don't really care about you', 'They are real friends, they haven't even tried to reach out'. On one occasion, after the birth of our first child, he said that sentence, 'She isn't much of a friend, she hasn't even asked about the baby, maybe you should block her, we don't need people like that in our life, now we have a baby'. Turned out that she had messaged me, but he had deleted the message from my phone before I saw it. I came across it on my iMessages on my computer, months later, when I hadn't spoken to my friend, and I felt too embarrassed to reach out at that point. I believed him, I thought that I wasn't important enough to my friends and family. These people know how to play the game. The saddest thing is that when you leave the game, he doesn't stop playing. If you have children, the game continues through them. He speaks through them; the words and phrases they come out with sound like him. Their opinion of a person isn't always their own; the opinion of the narcissistic parent heavily influences it. They believe that it is their own opinion; they are children. How difficult it is to imagine a child not having their own thought process after spending time with him when they can make a fully grown adult not realise that they no longer have access to their own thoughts. The only thoughts you have are those that would best please him. People on the outside often don't understand, unless they have been through it themselves. When it comes to children, people don't think that they can be fed a story so many times that it becomes a fact to them. When they are asked to recount events, the actual event no longer happened, but a version of events that is the twisted version they have been convinced of—the one that sheds good light on the narcissistic parent or bad light on the one trying to do the right thing. This becomes especially true when new partners are involved. Of course, the children don't tell people all of the good times they have with your new partner, they are scared their Dad will find out and they will be punished for liking them. They are told what they should think of that person, and when they don't actually agree with the opinion they should have, that's a genuine struggle. Personally, I can't wait for the children to grow up and see their Dad for what he truly is. They already know he is a liar.

Although it's hard looking back and thinking 'why didn't I see it,' the hardest thing I have found is that no one believes you. It's like because I didn't get punched in the face and I have no physical scars, then there was no abuse. Not all scars need to be visible to have caused damage. So, how do you get people to believe you? When you are trying to get your point across, whether it's to a mutual friend, a family member, or even if you are unfortunate enough to end up in a custody battle, the judge, social services or any of the people in authority, why do they tend to believe them? They believed everything was fine in the marriage; you must be the reason it failed. He told everyone what a wonderful time we had been having. Missing out on the small detail of the two-year affair he had been having with my best friend. Somehow, I still ended up the bad guy, the one who broke up the marriage. Who ruined my children's lives? Why would I leave when I was so happy is a question my children ask me. They have been shown photos of our holidays from before the split and 'reminded' of how happy we once were. Photos can lie; everyone can fake a smile for the sake of peace. If people went to court for a child arrangement order with a file of images of bruises created by their abusive partner, what would the judge say? Would they rule in the father's favour? Would he even get a say? But if you turn up with a brain that has been broken and manipulated, but no external scars, people don't believe you. You might be seen as being too emotional, weak, exaggerating for the sake of .....whatever the case might be. I sometimes say I would rather he had punched me, at least I would have something to show for the pain. Instead, all I have are large solicitor bills and monthly therapy invoices.

When people believe them over you, it puts you back into that place where no one believes you. Where you are not important enough, but those scars make you stronger. If possible, ignore their games, don't play. Please don't reply to the texts where they are trying to get you to bite. Don't let them be able to say to someone, 'See, I told you she was crazy. ' We know who we are. They can't trick us anymore. Keep fighting, keep showing everybody that you are essential, you are enough. Show everyone who you are the truth, and when people doubt you, they don't know you well enough to judge. And if they believe him over you. Let them wait to see the grand reveal when the mask comes off, because eventually the mask will break, the cracks will show, and the true evil that is underneath will be revealed. And you can stand back and tell everyone who ever doubted you, 'I told you'.