Was it me?

I'm sure I am not the only person to wonder if the abuse that we suffered was somehow our fault. Did we bring it on ourselves? We sit in the quiet we have been left with, replaying in our minds the drama that just unfolded, asking ourselves the same questions: Did I do that wrong? Am I such a bad person? Am I a terrible wife? Am I a terrible mother? I can tell you, it's not you, it was never you, it was always them. It's just what they want you to think. They want you to have such a low opinion of yourself that they can take advantage.

If you are anything like me, you didn't think it was possible for someone to fool you so badly that you end up hating yourself for being such a bad wife/partner. The confidence you lose in a relationship like that can take years to get back. I am nowhere near the same level of confidence I was pre-him. But that's what this journey is all about for me: regaining my confidence, seeing my self-worth, learning to love myself again, and becoming unbroken.

Every relationship will have arguments or disagreements. However, they are not usually the fault of a single person. It’s usually a miscommunication that got out of hand. But in my marriage, an argument would be purposefully brought up to make me feel bad, to make me feel like I had failed again, I had upset him again. It was always about how he felt; my feelings didn't matter. I was always made to feel like I had done something wrong or not done something right. If you think you are in the wrong, they have you right where they want you. They feel like they have all of the power, and power is exactly what they want to have over you. In my experience, there was never a correct answer, only many wrong ones. I wasn’t supportive enough, wasn’t caring enough, didn’t help enough, and nothing I did was enough. Nothing I did was good enough. And then I was compared to others, why can’t you do what …. did, why can’t you be more like… you doubt everything about your actions, not just what you have said, or done but the facial expressions you made, your body language, there are so many things that you didn’t think you could be criticised for, but you were, every criticism lead again back to the question, was it me? How could I do better?

When you start doubting everything and questioning yourself all the time, that's when they have the power to treat you however they want. I fell into the traps all the time. I would get wound up over little digs and fall straight into a negative comment or whinge, or a similar response, which was exactly what he was waiting for. He would then decide that I was being unreasonable and that I should be ‘punished’. Or I would be so angry and frustrated with the situation I found myself in that I would be miserable. I am a person who generally shows my feelings on my face, so when he saw the sadness in my face, that left the door open for him to suggest that my face was the issue in our marriage and maybe if I smiled more, we would both be happier. Another thing I needed to worry about, another problem I needed to fix within myself. At this point, there are so many things wrong with me that I assume the issues must always be my fault. I wasn't even asking myself if it was me at this point. It was! I didn’t need his punishments at this point; I would punish myself enough. Thankfully, unlike many others, my abuse wasn’t physical; I never had a bruise on the outside to hide, just plenty on the inside. In my case, my punishment was usually the odd put-down comment, accusations of infidelity, refusing to eat when I had cooked or just good old silent treatment. There were others, but I will write about different types of punishment in a separate blog.

Once, I got given the silent treatment for 2 days because I said 'hello' to his nephew. (His nephew happened to be closer to my age and was what people might call 'typically good-looking') I was pregnant at the time. I still wondered what I had done wrong, how I had said hello in such a way that deserved silent treatment. I punished myself and apologised over and over again for it. I doubted myself, wondering if I had said something I had forgotten that would cause that level of annoyance. But no, I got the silent treatment for 2 days, for saying hello to an 'attractive' nephew of my husband. There were many more occasions where silent treatment was the punishment of choice. They will appear frequently throughout my blog!

But still over the years, I found myself asking the same question: Was it me? Did I cause this tension? Was it me? Did I say something I shouldn't have? Was it me? Did I not do something I was supposed to? How can I make it better? Looking back, it wasn't all me; I didn't often do wrong. It was all part of the big emotional game called my marriage. I'm not saying I was perfect; ask my boyfriend. I'm no model partner, but I did not deserve to be treated the way I was, and neither should anyone else. No one deserves to be treated like they are the reason the world is ending. No one deserves to be made to feel like all their partner's problems are their fault. Especially when, 9 times out of 10, there is no problem or issue. It's just drama to create the bungee feeling we get used to in the relationship, and we can't understand why we can't feel excited or happy when we're out of it.

For many years, I didn't tell a soul what I was going through because I still believed it must always be my fault. But then, in the last year or two of my marriage, I started seeing things clearer, don't mistake that word for clearly... I never saw anything clearly when I was with him, but it was clearer. I would walk off to prevent myself from saying something that would give him the power, or at least try to. I would call my friend, explain the whole situation and ask her for her opinion. The answer was always, 'You haven't done anything wrong; I understand.' Of course, on my return from my walk, I would get the standard, Who have you been seeing? Who have you been speaking to? Who have you been fucking? Followed by put-downs and then more silent treatment. If you are still in a relationship that sounds like this, please don't think that you deserve whatever punishment is being thrown at you; if you feel strong enough, stand up to it. I left my marriage for the sake of my children and myself. I didn't want them to grow up thinking it was okay to treat women the way they saw their Dad treat me. I didn't want them to always blame their future partners for any issues within the relationship. I'm not saying everyone should leave; some people can't for various reasons, but if you can, do! There will be someone out there who actually loves you, who treats you right, or you will find yourself again, and you won't have to ask yourself the question repeatedly, ' Was it me? '

I’m not saying that the question will never cross your mind. There will be times and circumstances when your brain is thrown right back into that mindset, and you start questioning yourself again. But this time, hopefully, you won’t also be in a position of receiving silent treatment or one of the other forms of punishment. You should be able to express that you are questioning yourself to your new partner, or a friend or relative and gain support from them, let them help you see why you aren’t the problem, or if you have potentially said or done something, welcome a conversation rather than an argument and resolve the matter so it doesn’t become a reoccurring issue. It’s strange getting used to having an emotional support rather than an emotional head fuck. I am still not used to it. I sometimes get lost in my thoughts and go down rabbit holes, creating scenarios in my head about what my new boyfriend must be thinking about me, such as if I think I've done something wrong. I'm beating myself up about it, so he must also feel that I’ve done something wrong, and he's going to start having doubts about our relationship. That’s where communication comes in and why it's so important. I believe good communication is essential in all relationships. But for people like us who have been denied communication, it is even more critical. If we can meaningfully sit down and talk about why we think, was it me? Then we can try to reach the point where we can decide for ourselves whether it was or wasn’t, and if it was, how to correct and move on rather than constantly punishing ourselves. No one is perfect; we all make mistakes, and it’s how we learn and grow from them that matters.